Is your love life lacking in oomph? Perhaps your mojo has been a little low lately? Never fear, Colombia’s age-old remedies for your sexual shortcomings are guaranteed to bring the sexy back to your boudoir this Valentine’s day.
Still having trouble? Grab some iguana or turtle eggs and make your own aphrodisiac, if you can. Although, given that nearly 150,000 eggs were seized in Colombia over a four-year period by environmental authorities, you may have trouble getting your hands on some.
You could always try having sex with a manatee as way to “cleanse your organs.” According to El Tiempo, the act is allegedly a sacred ritual of the Cocama tribe of the Amazon, and will not only ensure that your organs are clean and shiny, but will also improve your fishing skills and strengthen family unity. The manatee however, ill-equipped for such vigorous sexual activity, generally dies soon after the act .
If size is your problem, get your hands on a nausa nausa, a racoon-like animal that lives in a tree. Take his penile bone, scrape it into a powder and sprinkle it on your food. Not only does it add a little zing to your meal, it will also leave you with a rather large penis. Don’t worry though ladies, it’s not just for men; sprinkle a little of the powder on your neck and you’ll be “overflowing” with sexual desire.
If it’s only a bit of practice you need before you head out tonight, then get involved in a little “Donkey Love“, a theme explored in depth in last year’s award winning documentary film of the same name. Added side effects to a fling with a donkey include a bigger penis and the prevention of homosexual urges. But beware, it is also highly possible that you will in fact fall in love with the donkey.
Everybody knows that girls love money, and money is what will reportedly come your way if you grab a human bone from a cemetery and carry it in your pocket. If this doesn’t appeal to you, you could always kill a black cat at Easter and bury his bones at the intersection of two well-travelled roads. After a year, roast the dug up carcass and put the residue in a leather pouch made with the skin of a frog. This new wallet is bound to bring business and money your way.
If this seems like too much trouble, get your hands on some seeds from the Bloodred Angel’s Trumpet plant. If drunk with coffee, the seeds will not only help you communicate with your ancestors, they will also induce sexual arousal. Too much could either put you in a coma or kill you though, so be warned. A safer option is to chew coca leaves with lime, which as an added bonus will also help with altitude sickness. And for women who are low on sex-drive, a big plate of sweet potatoes will sort you right out.
Colombian students, concerned that these age old sexual remedies were just old wives tales, developed a more modern alternative – a passion fruit and Viagra desert. For men the effect is akin to viagra, only in a milder form, while for women it induces a tingle and a smile. A good desert to share then.
But be warned, if you are on the prowl tonight, beware of the mythical Colombian fireball. Wandering lonely roads, it takes on the guise of a beautiful woman in order to ambush drunks and cheating spouses.