I knew Colombia would be celebrating peace without President Ivan Duque. Neo-Nazi pigs never celebrate the Canadian liberation of my hometown in 1945 either.

I did celebrate the four-year anniversary of Colombia’s 2016 peace deal on Saturday, I also never missed one Liberation Day celebration when I was living in the Netherlands.

I was spared much of the horrors of Colombia’s armed conflict and all of the horrors of World War II. I just like celebrating peace and freedom, I guess. They’re great causes to celebrate and even greater causes to defend, unless you’re a neo-Nazi pig like Duque.

The art of trolling neo-Nazis

When I was a kid, my friends and I used to troll neo-Nazis, asking them if their mothers were also fat and bald on one of their marches, just to provoke them.

There would always be one piggy who was too sensitive and tried to take a punch at one of us.

The thing with neo-Nazis is that often they’re too fat and not very bright, like Duque. None of us ever took a punch.

Instead, the neo-Nazis would either lose balance and fall on their pig faces or find a truncheon choking their fat necks while the cops broke up their march and we lit up a celebratory doobie.

I was too young and too naïve to expect a neo-Nazi pig would become President of Colombia. I didn’t even know there were neo-Nazis in South America at the time.

Duque looks exactly like the neo-Nazis from back home; white, sausage fingers, no personal will and just following orders from his “eternal president” as Colombia’s neo-Nazis like to call former President Alvaro Uribe.

The real Nazis

Duque and I were born 30 years after the real Nazis committed their last two murders in my town on May 5, 1945.

According to an eye-witness, “they felt threatened and started shooting indiscriminately” like the police in Bogota during the Bogota Massacre earlier this month.

The Canadians were still a day away from liberating my town, but people were hanging out the national flag and crowds they had subjected to terror for years were gathering to celebrate their freedom.

Like Nazis, neo-Nazis are afraid of everything that reminds them that their sense of superiority is delusional and they are equal to black people, gay people, Jews, communists, me, you name it.

Colombia’s neo-Nazi

Instead of attending the commemoration of Colombia’s peace deal, Duque came up with the umpteenth conspiracy theory about an assassination plot, this time by — don’t laugh — an Israeli sniper.

I’m no weapons expert, but if your target is as fat as Colombia’s president I don’t believe you need a sniper.

Why anyone would want to assassinate Duque is a mystery to me. His gluttony and paranoia are already giving him heart problems.

Besides, trolling neo-Nazi pigs is a lot more fun when they’re alive. Believe me, I’ve been doing it since I was 16.