Is your love life lacking in oomph? Perhaps your mojo has been a little low lately? Never fear, Colombia’s age-old remedies for your sexual shortcomings are guaranteed to bring the sexy back to your boudoir this Valentine’s day.
To increase sexual desire, look no further than Dagoberto the juice seller and his patented live crab milkshake – watch the video on how to make it here.
Still having trouble? Grab some iguana or turtle eggs and make your own aphrodisiac, if you can. Although, given that nearly 150,000 eggs were seized in Colombia over a four-year period by environmental authorities, you may have trouble getting your hands on some.
If it’s only a bit of practice you need before you head out tonight, then get involved in a little “Donkey Love“, a theme explored in depth in last year’s award winning documentary film of the same name. Added side effects to a fling with a donkey include a bigger penis and the prevention of homosexual urges
Everybody knows that girls love money, and money is what will reportedly come your way if you grab a human bone from a cemetery and carry it in your pocket. If this doesn’t appeal to you, you could always kill a black cat at Easter and bury his bones at the intersection of two well-travelled roads. After a year, roast the dug up carcass and put the residue in a leather pouch made with the skin of a frog. This new wallet is bound to bring business and money your way.
If this seems like too much trouble, get your hands on some seeds from the Bloodred Angel’s Trumpet plant. If drunk with coffee, the seeds will not only help you communicate with your ancestors, they will also induce sexual arousal. Too much could either put you in a coma or kill you though, so be warned. A safer option is to chew coca leaves with lime, which as an added bonus will also help with altitude sickness. And for women who are low on sex-drive, a big plate of sweet potatoes will sort you right out.
Colombian students, concerned that these age old sexual remedies were just old wives tales, developed a more modern alternative – apassion fruit and Viagra desert
But be warned, if you are on the prowl tonight, beware of the mythical Colombian fireball. Wandering lonely roads, it takes on the guise of a beautiful woman in order to ambush drunks and cheating spouses.