“Alfonso ,” supreme leader of guerrilla organization the FARC, was admitted to an improvised jungle mental institute in the department after he fell in a “very deep clinical depression” on hearing about the death of fellow guerrilla “Mono .”
According to sources within the guerrillas’ Secretariat, Cano started screaming and cursing before speaking in tongues and attempting to cut himself with a Chinese army knife.
“The knife incident was the drop,” the anonymous guerrilla source said. “Everyone in the secretariat knows that those knives aren’t sharp enough to pop a balloon, but Alfonso thought he could actually slit his wrists with it. Pure madness. He never admitted that the knives were the worst buy ever, but that was going too far.”
The salivating and moaning guerrilla leader was apprehended by other members of the central command and chained to a tree in the FARC’s improvised mental ward, usually populated by guerrillas doubting the virtues of Marxism.
“We don’t know how long we will keep him there, but the doctor said he fell in a very deep clinical depression. The only drugs we have are marijuana and cocaine, which apparently only worsen depression,” the source said.
Cano allegedly was already in a somber mood since assuming the top position in the guerrilla organization following the death of founder “Manuel Marulanda.”
“He was doing better after we killed dozens of policemen, but this is a serious setback for his mental health,” said the guerrilla source.